Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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