Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
