Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
