She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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