My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
