why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my sisters under your porch take her home
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
