either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
