I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
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