I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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