I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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