my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
