sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
