I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
