She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
