Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
