I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
