I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my vag is so smooth its legendary
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
