I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
