Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
