I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
