I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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