i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
