if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
