I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
