Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
