matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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