He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
