i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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