gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We got so high we made milksteak
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
