so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
