a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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