I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
