I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
