im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
