hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
