Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
