The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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