just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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