Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
