so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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