ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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