The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
