My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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