good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
