I think I am morally bankrupt
I just gift wrapped bread.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
