someone threw a dead crab at me
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
