Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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