Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
