I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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