Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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