Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
